AMNESIA OF JUNE BUGS
Section D
After uploading all required documentation (attestation d’hébergement, copies of utility bills excluding those for cell phones, work permit, relevé d’identité bancaire, NIR card, avis d’imposition de revenues, birth certificate), please “read” the following paragraphs and fill out details when required until application is complete.
Merci beaucoup! We thank you for applying to Éditions Pont Neuf Translation Team and wish you success in all your future endeavors, wherever they may take you.
Supplemental Application & Language Diagnostics
1. If Spanish, English, Mandarin, or Hindi were your target language(s) in Section B and/or if you are an East Asian woman writer whose book contains food porn, employs orientalist tropes, and/or perpetuates model minority myths (e.g., the sweatshop laborer from China who goes to Harvard, the Hong Kongese dissident who goes to Harvard, the Korean immigrant who goes to Harvard, the janitor who becomes a doctor . . . at Harvard Medical School), please go to paragraph #411 and give us your home address so we can send you your two-book contract via Fed Ex. Don’t worry, you don’t need a manuscript. The myth sells itself, especially to white women who think that Orientalism is just a bubble bath sold at Anthropologie.
2. If English is NOT your base language but you received a TEFL, TESL, or international ESL certificate at an accredited institution, please go back to paragraph #1 and relive this moment of personal futility all over again.
3. If English is not your base language and/or you did not receive a TEFL, TESL, or international ESL certificate at an accredited institution, please go to paragraph #2 and relive this moment of personal futility twice, to really drive home how marginalized your voice is and how cyclical
4. If Arabic is your base language, please go to paragraph #86.
5. If Arabic is your target language, please go to paragraph #48.
6. If Welsh, Czech, Polish, Maltese, Mescaline Fever Dream, Mongolic, Maori, Klingon, Dipshit, Smartass, or Hakka were the base language in Section D, please go to paragraph #205.
7. If Armenian, Passive-Aggression, Finnish(ed), Hipster Sign Language, Emojian Minimalism, or Pass the Dutchie on the Left Hand Side were the base language, please go to paragraph #225.
8. If Armenian, Passive-Aggression, Finnish(ed), Hipster Sign Language, Emojian Minimalism, or Pass the Dutchie on the Left Hand Side were the base language, please go to paragraph #149.
9. If Albanian, Greek, Baltic, Turkish, PWA (Performative White Ally), Material Girl, Cheyenne, Surf Brah, or Punjabi was the target or base language, please go to paragraph #47.
10. If Thai, Hakka, Wu, Tibeto-Burmese, Jumbalaya, Burmese-Tibetan, Tagalog, Freezetag, Hawaiian, Micronesian, Hapa Haole Pidgin, Macronesian, Bontoc, Silent Treatment, or Legalese were the target language, please go to paragraph #58.
11. If Javanese, Tahitian, Chamorro, Yap, Babytalk, Anti-vax, Seminol, Mongolian, MFOF (Mouth Full of Food), or Truckdriver is your target or base language, please go to paragraph #283.
12. If Yup’ik, East Greenlandic, Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicola!, Apache, RNF (Racist NFL Fan), Hopi, Dogspeak, Romanian, Turkish, KrazyKaren, Russian, Occitan, or Monolingual Yank is your base language, please go to paragraph #272.
13. If Breton, California Blond, EB-CG-TP-THL-TSC (Ebonics for Black College Graduates Trying to Prove They Haven’t Lost Their Street Creds), MSU (Make Shit Up), West Coast Gangster, Obinglobish, Toothless White Trash, Valley Girl Texticon, SCOWP (So-Called Oppressed White Person), Sexist Gamer, Bushism, or Whataboutism is your target or base language, please go to paragraph #58.
14. If you are Latino, under 18, a child slave, a recent prisoner of war, a recovering drug addict, a lost-in-the-stacks acadummy, an influencer with thirty-seven followers, an unemployed sociolinguist, a cult leader of one, and/or prostituté(e) who time-traveled away from the Great Plague, or simply confused as to how you got to this paragraph (here’s a hint: it wasn’t peyote), please go to paragraph #105.
15. If Republican, Urdu, Drunken Slur, Vegan Thug, 70’s Jive, Pashtun, PFH (Pissed Football Hooligan), ACT (Absurd Conspiracy Theorist), Picard (both Jean-Luc and non-Jean-Luc variants), Chiac, Hungarian, Huggarian, Hung-agrarian, or Hunna Dolla Bills, is your base language, please go to paragraph #47.
16. If you do not speak any languages including the one you’re reading, you’re completely confused about what you’re reading right now, you’re shouting your safety word inside your head, and/or need an interpreter for this application, please refer to paragraph #105 for help.
41. The following position is currently unavailable. However, we foresee likely short-term vacancies in the beginning of the following years that just happen to coincide with anticipated audits:
2012
2016
2020
2024
2030
In the meantime, please refer to paragraph #173 and/or #206 for other employment opportunities.
47. Congratulations, we now classify your unique language skills in a separate department, and as luck would have it, that department just recently moved to the 18th arrondissement. Currently, we do not have an address for that department, but we hope to soon! In the meantime, please call the following overseas number at your own convenience to find out more about working at EPN as a TCI or (traducteur de compétences inutiles) at (67) 92-75-9999. Long distance charges to Fiji will apply, including a one-time €20 transmission fee, a connection fee of 10€, an interstate receiver fee of 25€, a federal excise tax of 10€ and an Interpol voice-identifying software interplay program fee of 37€ per minute, other long-distance fees may apply.
48. We’re sorry, that paragraph is no longer in use. Please refer to paragraph #47 or #343 for more details. Otherwise, please piss off. And by piss off, we mean, go to paragraph #206 or #207, of course!
50. Excellent. Please claim your million-dollar check by returning this application form to the dull-looking editorial assistant, remembering to leave your personal information with her before leaving.
58. Congratulations, you are what EPN calls our “special language skills” applicant and we mean “special skills” in the most equivocally racist, separatist, and ableist way possible so you can clearly recognize the systemic prejudice of our institution but not find specific language in this application that might indemnify this company, say in a discrimination lawsuit. To find out more about employment opportunities in this category, please refer to paragraph #173. Otherwise, to learn about all of the other exciting employment opportunities available at EPN, go to paragraph #149. Or, if you’re in a rush, feel free to give us a call at your convenience at the number listed in paragraph #47.
86. Congratulations, you are what EPN calls our “special language skills” applicant. Please walk to the nearest Gendarmerie and turn yourself in, before you end up doing something you’ll regret. And by the way, at Éditions Pont Neuf, it’s not that we hate Arabs—we don’t know any, so we couldn’t say one way or the other—we just don’t trust them, which isn’t racist at all, just skeptical. There’s a difference. To protest this blatant institutional racism, to file a complaint of Islamaphobia, and/or to find out which office is closest to you so you can send a letter bomb in the name of cultural Jihad, please refer to paragraph #47 for more details. Upon completion, please feel free to use the middle elevator. This elevator is our express elevator reserved for special applicants. We can’t hire all of you, but we can certainly show you the respect you deserve.
89. No, that’s not it either. This is getting frustrating for both of us. Okay, it’s got to be paragraph #256.
101. Congratulations, your menial skills are in high demand at Éditions Pont Neuf. Please give this application form back to the dull-looking editorial assistant at the front desk, exit this suite, and walk down the hall to suite #2480 and grab a mop. This janitorial internship can last as long as you want it to. For information on other unpaid internships at EPN, please refer to paragraph #105, or simply wait for the house manager to return. Otherwise, consider the elevator. The middle one is especially fast right now.
102. Unfortunately, there are no vacancies right now in the following position. Please try back in a few months. In the meantime, please consider paragraph #206. Or, if you’re in the mood for a “fun” quiz to test your deplorable English skills (do you know even know what I’m saying right now?), why not jump to paragraph #207 and prove how right the haters really were about you.
103. We’re sorry, but the following position is currently unavailable at this time. In the meantime, please consider paragraph #105.
104. Currently, Éditions Pont Neuf does not participate in the Paris Recycling Initiative. However, we do seek temporary field inspectors during periodical PRI audits, during which time, field inspectors are in high demand. At EPN, our official title for field inspectors is “Creative Bookkeepers.” This position requires the following skills:
A. Paper shredding
B. File transfer and deletion
C. “Creative ‘bookkeeping,’” invisible numbers, and off-shore “repatriation.”
If interested in any of the following “positions,” please go to paragraph #41 or #206.
105. Congratulations. At Éditions Pont Neuf, window washers are in high demand. We believe that nothing brings people from diverse cultural and linguistic backgrounds together faster than a fear of heights, a simple steel cable, and the knowledge that your exploited labor plays a crucial role in the removal of finger smudges and bird shit. While employees that work in corner offices are constantly losing sight of the meaning of life, our WWWSLS interns (or Window Washers with Special Languages Skills) are reminded each and every day how good (and delicate) life can be—they only have to look down. For more information on this unpaid internship program, please return this form to the dull-looking editorial assistant at the front desk, exit this suite, and walk down the hall to room #2480. A house manager will be with you shortly.
106. Please refer to paragraph #149 for more options. Or, for immediate response, please refer to paragraph #105 to find out how you can become a valued member of Éditions Pont Neuf.
108. Oops. Wrong paragraph. Go back 4 spaces (numbers), just like on a Monopoly board.
109. Oops, sorry. This paragraph isn’t valid either. You’re not just reading these paragraphs straight through, are you? The whole point of this application mindfuck is to show the cyclicity of time, bureaucracy, and storytelling, but if you don’t play along, it won’t work! Please go back 5 spaces, just like on a Monopoly board.
110. Amazing. You are exactly what EPN needs: a cheat and a liar. We would like to offer you a beginning salary of €45.000, with annual holiday bonuses, paid vacation and maternity/paternity leave, healthcare and use of our company car. Please return this form to the front desk, remembering to leave your contact information with the DULL-LOOKING EDITORIAL ASSISTANT and we will get in touch with your shortly as a new position opens up at Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.
145. Nope. Nothing here. But rumor has it, there’s a “fun” diagnostic exam in paragraph #207 and a little fiesta taking place in paragraph #206. They say that’s where all the fun is . . .
149. We are delighted to have you as an applicant. Éditions Pont Neuf values and respects its potential employees—all of who bring a wealth of cultural knowledge and language skills to our editorial department. To find out how to become a member of the Édition Pont Neuf team, please go to paragraph #206. If you’ve reached this paragraph by accident, paragraph #343 offers a “help” “menu” for your “convenience.”
173. We value the unique skills that our applicants bring to Éditions Point Neuf. If you are interested in finding short-term assignments using your target languages, please go to paragraph #343. If you are interested in finding short-term assignments using non-intellectual skills (hip hip hurrah for working class heroes!), please go to paragraph #206.
201. Did we say paragraph 201? Pardonnez-nous. We meant paragraph #101.
205. Congratulations. Your translation skills are in high demand someplace in this world, just not here in the Western world where shit gets done. Please go to paragraph #173 to learn more about how you can become a member of Éditions Pont Neuf’s Unique Language Skills Team. Or to learn more about short-term projects using your “special” language skills, please go to paragraph #225.
206. Congratulations, Éditions Pont Neuf has just the job you’re looking for. At present, the following positions have vacancies:
Window Washing, The Unsung Musical: please go to paragraph #105
TCI (whatever the hell that acronym means): please go to paragraph #47
Part-time “Janitor”: please go to paragraph #101
“Full-time” Janitor: please go to paragraph #102
“Electrician”: please go to paragraph #103
“Recycler”: please go to paragraph #104
“Creative” “Bookkeeper”: please go to paragraph #108
Field “Inspector”: please go to paragraph #149
“Window Technician”: please go to paragraph #105
“Elevator Technician”: please go to paragraph #106
Unpaid Internships: please go to paragraph #201
“Paid”Internships: please go to paragraph #227
225. Congratulations. Your translation skills are “unique” in this world, and by that we mean economically useless but culturally “invaluable.” Please go to paragraph #173 to learn more about how to become part of Éditions Pont Neuf’s team, working with other people who share “unique” translation skills, just like you. For all other options, please refer to paragraph #149.
227. We’re sorry, this paragraph is one big lie because we don’t believe in paying our interns with anything except good vibes and okay, fine, maybe some free paperbacks on the take shelf. Please refer to paragraph #317 for more details on our “paid” internship program.
239. Congratulations. You’ve just been promoted to paragraph #105. We value hard work and teamwork at EPN. You’re not even working with us and yet you’ve already been promoted. Amazing. Consider yourself lucky. Paragraph #105 is your prize.
256. *Sigh* Boy, at this point, any internship would be great, wouldn’t it? You're so close to the beginning of a new life. If only there were a way you could figure out how to get your foot in the door. Wait, this is going to sound crazy, we know, but what about paragraph #105? Is it possible there’s something there for prospective employees? Probably nothing there anyway except a pile of broken dreams. But it’s tempting, n’est-ce pas? Still, better to stick to your guns. Having an income is greatly overrated anyway in French society. Poverty has its advantages, at least so we’ve been told.
272. Huh.
283. We’re sorry, this paragraph is temporarily unavailable at this moment. In fact, it should have been shredded by one of our creative bookkeepers. Please refer to paragraph #104 for more details on temporary assignments such as creative bookkeepers. For all other options, please refer to paragraph #343. And for information on becoming a short or long-term TCI, please go to paragraph #47.
317. Non, non, et non! Must be paragraph #347
343. Éditions Pont Neuf offers a wide array of exciting, challenging, and particularly degrading jobs (both short and long-term) for prospective employees of all cultural and linguistic backgrounds. To learn more, please go to paragraph #206.
347. Fuck off! Then, check out paragraph #89!
404. Wow. You finished this application in no time. Please return this form to the dull-looking editorial assistant and give her a wink and say, “I don’t think you’re dull at all, especially in the men’s bathroom, if you know what I mean.” This is a special code we like to use at EPN for our most talented and qualified applicants. The dull-looking editorial assistant will meet you in the lobby with a grievance report of your blatant sexual harassment. Afterwards, please take the middle elevator since you’re obviously cheating on this application and don’t respect women. If you have any problems, please contact us at (67) 92-75-9999 day or night to pretend you’re the victim of the SJW’s.
411. Congratulations. Your translation skills are in high demand at Éditions Pont Neuf. Please detach and sign the last page and return this form to our dull-looking editorial assistant at the front desk, being sure to check the box marked, “Well, hot damn! Spanish, English, Mandarin, and Hindi are my homies indeed!” so that one of our editorial staff members can contact you at the following phone numbers listed below:
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
[ ] Well, hot damn! Spanish, English, Mandarin, and Hindi are my homies indeed!
(b) _______________________
(m) _______________________
(p) _______________________
Merci beaucoup! We thank you for applying to Éditions Pont Neuf Translation Team and wish you success in all your future endeavors, wherever they may take you (as long as it’s far away from this department of privileged cishet white women who only know how to “fall in love” with books written by other cishet white women, especially when they translate other races, identities, and cultures for them in a way that feels safe but stills centers their whiteness and class similarities above all else. Now THAT deserves another million-dollar advance!).
Additionally, please use the first or third elevators. The middle one is missing all but one of its steel cables and is “reserved” exclusively for racist white people (and also PoC we’re irrationally afraid of) because we are quite woke at EPN. The wokest of the woke, actually.