Putting Myself Out There because I Have to

Becoming an emerging writer is a Quixotic, blunt, heart-breaking delusion where art is actually more like head trauma than vocation. Personally, I recommend people stay away from the fallout as much as possible. Even so, I've got it bad for writing, so I'm a hopeless case. You may not be.

Anyway, I've proven this before, but like I said, I don't know how to fucking listen. Which is why I'm setting myself up for heartache again. It's how you put yourself out there, you enter contests + hope you come back with the biggest stuffed panda at the state carnival. Eventually someone does, why the fuck shouldn't it be you? Besides, I have to do this: This is how writers do: They put their asses on the line again and again for some whimsical, half-finished idea + you know, it's absolutely fucking worth it too, even with all of the drama, rejection + nausea. It's worth it. We have to write, we can't stop the dream, even when it's turned dark + beastly and demented and sore, it doesn't matter. We have to write + so we do. And when we've got something, eventually we decide it's time to find our audience, which is all publishing really is.

So I sent out some new full + partial manuscripts to a few great, indie presses in the East Coast + entered several contests too. I mean, if we're going to do this, then let's do it all the fucking way, no compromising, nothing half-assed, nothing guaranteed, the opposite of evasion, shyness + silence. Let's do this, the voice inside my head tells me.

Here are some recent book submissions:

1. The Ninjas of My Greater Self (James Jones First Novel Contest) 28 April 2011

2. A Travel Guide to the Broken World (Coffee House Press) 29 April 2011

3. A Travel Guide to the Broken World (Flannery O'Connor Award) 23 May 2011

4. BLANK excerpt (Beacon Press) 3 June 2011

5. A Travel Guide to the Broken World (FSG) 3 June 2011

6. A Travel Guide to the Broken World (Drue Heinz Literature Prize) 20 June 2011

7. A Travel Guide to the Broken World (Milkweed Editions) 5 July 2011

And of course I'm waiting to hear from Irene Goodman, the literary agent that solicited a whole manuscript of BLANK + the outline of Ninjas, I'm waiting to hear from Electric Literature for almost a year, waiting to hear from McSweeney's for 8 months, waiting to hear from the Paris Review, Black Warrior Review, Fence, waiting to hear from the Chicago Review for 13 months now (including 2 ignored emails I sent them), but I'm still going strong. I have absolutely nothing suggesting I'm going to win shit, nothing suggesting I'm gonna get a new piece published in a new journal anytime soon, but I'm good + I'm strong. Something is gonna work out, something is happening, if nothing else, momentum. If nothing else, some fucking momentum.

Competition Delays, FSG Rejection + Cold Queries

FSG: A few days ago I got a form rejection letter from Farrar, Straus + Giroux, which, I have to admit, was a bummer. I fucking love that publishing house + I thought that BLANK would be a great fit, with its ambitious, edgy, urban, slightly conceptual, character-based thing it has going on. But this was through the slush pile, so I'm not that surprised really. So much good writing (and bad writing, for that matter) suffocates in that paper avalanche. With the right agent (that is, a great agent), all the rules get changed.

Italo Calvino Contest: I checked the date of the notification for the Calvino Prize. It was 15 December. I sighed. I didn't win it. I wasn't even a finalist. But then I read on the University of Louisville's website that there was a delay: the winner hadn't been announced yet. So, it's still a long shot. But there's still hope + I can live on just hope + fresh water for weeks.

Phoebe Larmore: Today, after psyching myself out for months, I made a cold call to Phoebe Larmore's office. I got her voice mail + left a message like a good mensch. Insanely, she called me back five minutes later and we chatted for around six minutes. I liked her immediately: her voice was calm + soothing. And though one of the most successful literary agents, she was very sympathetic, smart + honest with me. Here are a few things she said:

1. Her only two clients are Margaret Atwood and Tom Robbins (gulp)

2. She has only has two clients because that's how she prefers it.

3. She encouraged me to check out Writer's Digest + look at the agent section

4. Perhaps, most beautiful + sincere, she said: Jackson, I hope you will remember to always write from the deepest part of your soul.

I promised her I would.

Then, she said she would be looking out for my writing in the future.

Please do, I said.

I'm a huge fan, Phoebe Larmore. Even bigger than before.